I haven’t made a post since the paperback release of Elkwood Kids, my debut horror novel, and wanted to return to the site to get some things off my mind here. I’ve been writing a ton of things, seeing a ton of movies, making art and music. I’ve also been thinking about sorrow and darkness, as is my internal brand. I wanted to talk about that, too.

I have written a ton of poems, and many, many of them are about the end of my life, whether that be self-inflicted or brought upon by another means. That state of mind doesn’t leave, but it does wane, become lesser, and I’m able to push that aside and live in the moment, live for tomorrow. I’m getting married next year, which is constantly in my head. I’m so happy and excited to spend the rest of my life with my fiancee, and though I joke about it being a short life, I do expect it to be a long one. Despite my jokes, when I’m clear of head I am quite okay with that, too.

One of the poems I wrote, which I started in late 2020 and finished in early 2021, was a sort of descending repitition, the constant mantra of “I should have done it.” That poem was about how I was haunted by my history of self-harm, haunted by my ex-girlfriend and how our mutual issues made our relationship toxic, and haunted by what would happen to my then-girlfriend, now fiancee, should I actually go through with it.

I want to put this poem here, where I have control of it, to let it go, and perhaps after copying it I’ll add a few more just to get out all of the dark ones while I have them in front of me. Many of them are already up on this site.

Before the poems start, I do want to repeat this: I am happy and hopeful for the future. This is a vent poem, and it’ll always just be that. I am okay, and I will be. I look forward to sharing some of the other writing I’m working on. I am returning to fantasy, returning to horror with a spiritual successor to Elkwood Kids, and writing some sci-fi on the side, too. The future is bright, no matter how painful the past or difficult the present. Here’s to sharing it with all of you.

“Shoulda”
February, 2021

It’s thin as paper and shines like gold
It’s got a name engraved on its center fold
It’s an exit door before you get too old
Maybe you should have done it

It’s a yarn of hope on a hospital pamphlet
It’s your strings too thin to support what’s demanded
It’s the second chance you’ve finally been handed
Maybe you should have done it

It’s the girl with the smile that lives in your spine
It’s her air and her charm and that voice when it chimes
It’s the hoard that she stole of your limited time
Maybe you should have done it

It’s a kiss on the lips at the edge of your dreams
It’s the brush of a hand along all of your seams
It’s a thrust at the wall where your back has been leaned
Maybe you should have done it

It’s rainbows in eyes after storms have been cried
It’s truth buried deep below a treasure of lies
It’s a final, decisive, “needed closure” goodbye
Maybe you should have done it

It’s the nights spent in silence with doubt clouded over
It’s the fear of a witness staring over your shoulder
It’s the way to retire your fight, weary soldier
Maybe you should have done it

It’s a pain in your wrist that shocks you sober
It’s a streak of blood as your skin grows colder
It’s the mist in your eyes as you realize it’s over
Now that you’ve gone and done it

It’s regret for the stains on the bathroom wall
It’s the way your wrists can’t catch your fall
It’s your body, so limp, curling into a ball
Now that you’ve fucking done it

It’s the last breath that you don’t feel
It’s a knock on the door as your fluids congeal
It’s soundless silence as the moment is sealed
Content with what you’ve done

“Strengthless”
July, 2021

I never liked myself, but I never felt so strongly
As I did that day when I drove down the highway
Thought about burning all my gas, leaving everyone
Everything is too much for me right now

I don’t hate myself, but I’m not enamored
I don’t want to die but this life isn’t mine
It’s not that I don’t love you all
It’s that I don’t have the strength to live and love at once

I’m sure this guilt will curl, silky round my neck
Remind me of the tears you’d cry for me
And I’ll stay another week or so to cushion that blow
But you have to know that I can’t stay

Not that you don’t deserve a warning
Not that you aren’t worth staying for
I just can’t handle

These are the only two I’ll be putting here. The first is the aforementioned poem, the second one I found from the same time period. I think I’ve come a long way since then. After all, I’m still here.

© 2025 Vincent C. Russo